


Sense of Self

by MagpiePair



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Body Image, Disordered Eating (mentioned/discussed), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kim Jinhwan-centric, Team as Family, jinhwan pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27771112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagpiePair/pseuds/MagpiePair
Summary: After reading some fan comments, Jinhwan is feeling down about himself and his body. The others notice and try to reassure him.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe & Kim Jinhwan, Kim Hanbin | B.I. & Kim Jinhwan, Kim Jinhwan & Everyone, Kim Jinhwan & Jung Changwoo, Kim Jinhwan & Kim Donghyuk, Kim Jinhwan & Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Jinhwan & Song Yunhyeong
Kudos: 21





	Sense of Self

It starts with fan comments, as many things do.

‘Bobby oppa is so hot! Jun-e’s jaw is so chiseled!

‘B.I. is so muscular! Look at DK’s shoulders!

‘Song looks like a model. Chan has a face for acting!

‘...Jay! Our Jinani is so cute!’

That dreaded word. Normally, Jinhwan enjoys his moniker as the cute one. But when it stands out so clearly as an afterthought, as a contrast to how desirable his teammates are, the word sits in the pit of his stomach. It means the fans find his brothers attractive... and him unattractive.

He’s seen comments like this before. Comments on his short stature, how his diminutive size and bright nature make him look like their little brother, or in some cases, their son. As the eldest hyung, it’s not particularly something he wants to hear.

But he doesn’t have ‘legs for days.’ He’s not sexy. He’s not boyfriend-material. 

Why can’t he look like that, too?

\--

The next time these thoughts are swirling around in his head, they are at a hot spring in Japan. His bandmates’ toned bodies confront him whichever direction he turns in, and he crosses his arms over his own soft stomach self-consciously.

Donghyuk cries out “water fight!” only to stop his hands from slapping the water mid-splash when Yunhyeong levels him with a look.

“It’s too hot for that. You want boiling water in your face? Your eyes?”

Donghyuk pouts but seems to concede to Yunhyeong’s reasoning. Jinhwan can still see the fight in his eyes, however, the playfulness trapped in his gaze, throughout their soak.

So it is little surprise, then, when he starts a tickle fight the moment they leave the spring and wrap their towels around their waists. Jinhwan laughs along with the rest of them when Donghyuk turns on an unsuspecting Chanwoo, who tries valiantly to maintain his glare through fits of giggles. Jinhwan laughs when Hanbin skirts around the entire fenced-in outdoor area to avoid the outstretched fingers of Jiwon. It is ironically only when Junhoe’s wandering hands turn to him that Jinhwan’s laughter dies in his throat. Because Junhoe has just touched Jinhwan’s stomach.

Junhoe looks on with confusion, his eyebrows pinching, as Jinhwan jerks away and darts to the left. He must see something in Jinhwan’s eyes. Perhaps his expression betrays a hint of his insecurity or a fraction of his turmoil- wanting to enjoy the moment with his members while wanting to shy away from having his body on display. He worries they will be able to see just how inadequate he is next to all of them.

“You doing okay, Jinani? Normally you’d be making a ton of suggestive comments about us tickling each other while naked,” Junhoe asks. Jinhwan thinks he means to lower his voice to give them privacy, but the words must carry in the rock-enclosed space because the others turn to look at him. Their faces echo Junhoe’s confusion.

“Yeah...” He responds weakly. He hasn’t moved his arms from their iron grip around his middle since Junhoe’s hands left his body.

“Is the heat getting to you?” Yunhyeong asks. He approaches and places a hand on Jinhwan’s forehead.

“I’m fine,” he says hastily. He doesn’t think his reply convinces any of them. But he has already turned on his heel and headed inside.

\--

Jinhwan makes some changes.

He has to. Or, at least, he feels like he should. iKon is full of visuals, and he needs to pull his weight.

The first part of that is /watching/ his weight.

He looks in the mirror and thinks about what should be different. He can’t do anything about his height, about his droopy eyes. Maybe some smoky makeup would accentuate them in a better way? But what he can try to do is bulk up. Narrow out his rounded cheeks, tone his muscles.

“What’s taking so long in there, hyung?” Chanwoo asks, banging none-too-politely on the bathroom door.

“Just a moment!” He throws his shirt back on and slips out the door.

Chanwoo stares blankly at him as he exits. He stares back, unsure how else to respond, before making his way back to his room.

...

Jinhwan receives many more such stares as he puts his changes into place.

Hanbin notices first, because of course he does. “You’re going to the gym again? It’s our day off,” he grumbles. Hanbin is spread out on the couch, hand on the TV remote. The cushion next to him looks so inviting, but Jinhwan is a man on a mission.

“And all you’ve had today is this gross protein shake,” Donghyuk adds, tone dripping with disapproval. 

Yunhyeong pops his head in from the kitchen. “Is this about Nani not having my delicious breakfast this morning? Because I’m still very offended.”

Jinhwan tries to laugh it off. “I’m just working on my body a little bit right now. You know how it is.”

Jiwon’s voice is steady, comforting as it thrums from behind Jinhwan. He can practically feel the vibration from how close the other man is standing. “Did someone say something about it to you? Because you look fine as you are.” 

“It’s just something I’m doing for me. It’s nothing to worry about...”

Junhoe pouts. “Even if you say that...”

Jinhwan grabs his gym bag and says his goodbyes before they can get in another word.

\--

Okay, maybe there was a little something to worry about. Jinhwan can see that from how they no longer take him aside to make their comments but instead all corner him at once.

Hanbin puts a hand on his arm. His whole hand can practically wrap around Jinhwan’s bicep- so the muscle is not big enough yet. “Look, this is your third time skipping snack time with us.” 

Sugars and fats, Jinhwan’s mind supplies.

“You’ve been really reserved on variety programs,” Jiwon continues.

Acting flirtatiously calls attention to what he does /NOT have/ to flaunt.

“Even off camera, you’ve been distant. You retreat from us in the dressing rooms before shows,” Donghyuk adds.

Jinhwan gulps, having the sense to feel a little guilty at that. But he’s been insecure even in front of his brothers lately, the fan comments getting inside his head.

“Can you tell us what’s been going on?” Yunhyeong asks. “What’s wrong? What’s going on in that brain of yours?”

At Jinhwan’s silence, Chanwoo, despite his vocal aversion to skinship, sneaks up behind him and rests his head on Jinhwan’s shoulder. He has to bend nearly in half to do so, but he doesn’t complain. Instead, he reveals to Jinhwan that, despite asking questions, the group is far more clued in to the cause of Jinhwan’s strange behavior than they let on. “Didn’t you tell us not to worry? But you’ve done nothing but worrying things... And didn’t you tell me several months ago not to worry either about comments /like those/?”

Jinhwan looks up with a start to see them all looking back at him with concern. He feels the love in the room, and as cheesy as it sounds, being the target of their care and affection does make him a bit more comfortable in his own skin.

“I know it might be hard to believe it, but I hope it means something when we say you’re perfect the way you are. I wish you could think so too,” Junhoe says, all while Donghyuk nods enthusiastically.

“You’ve helped all of us with our insecurities before. We want to help you,” Jiwon states.

Jinhwan kind of wants to cry at how sweet they are being, how careful. “But I- I’m not ripped like you guys. I’m small-”

“Jinhwan. Listen. You’re one of the handsomest goddamn men I’ve ever met.” The statement rolls off Hanbin’s tongue without a hint of a blush, as though it is the most natural thing for him to admit.

This stops Jinhwan dead in his tracks. “I- ...Really?” He can’t help the skepticism, but they don’t let him stew in it for long.

“Yes, you’re short. But good things come in small packages, you know?” Donghyuk waggles his eyebrows.

“Ignore him. Seriously, though, you’re hot,” Junhoe adds.

Jinhwan’s face enflames. He shouldn’t be reduced to this by a simple compliment. He’s dished out far more without batting an eye. But now he furiously tries to blink back the embarrassment.

“I love your frame. And your eyes are captivating.” Yunhyeong says all this with a smile, his gaze never leaving Jinhwan’s so that he can see the sincerity in his expression.

They each trade off then sharing things they admire about him. It goes beyond his appearance at times, but each one hits on and heals a tiny fraction of Jinhwan’s insecurities, be it Chanwoo praising his fashion sense, Donghyuk complimenting his voice, Junhoe speaking well of his personality.

What makes him really emotional, however, is what Hanbin says next. He grabs Jinhwan’s hand when he says, “I love your confidence. It might be a little weak right now, but when you’re unapologetically yourself and doing wild gestures and crazy, suggestive things, you show everyone that it’s okay to just /be/. You show our fans and you show us.” The rest of them nod their agreement.

“...Thank you, guys. It might take me a hot minute to get back to there, but I want that too.”

“We wanna do what we can,” Yunhyeong adds. “If you’re doubting yourself or reading too much into the comments again, why don’t you speak to our trainers and our nutritionists? They wouldn’t lie. They’d let you know if there was a problem. So if they say you’re fine, then you’re fine, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jinhwan assents. He smiles wide, and when Junhoe casually tosses his arms around Jinhwan’s middle, this time, he doesn’t push away. 

“Good,” Donghyuk announces. Then join us for snacks tomorrow?” 

Jinhwan nods.

Having confidence and a healthy body image will take work, but Jinhwan knows he can do it with them by his side encouraging him every step of the way.


End file.
